During my hiatus, I spent a lot of time trying to rediscover who the man behind Carson’s devilishly good looks really is. I spent most of the winter months cuddled up with my ever-faithful puppy girl, Netflix on the screen and my brain in self-reflection mode. “Who am I? What do I want? Why am I here?” (Ok, I also binge-watched Babylon 5 on Prime as well) You would think such simple questions would be easy to answer… NOPE!
“What Do I Want?”
Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t live the life of a hermit, I went to work, hung out with friends, etc. But the winter months lend to more solitude than the other seasons of the year. It’s cold AF and gets dark way too early, and most definitely my least favorite season of the year. But as the winter snows finally subsided (the neighbor kids built a snow bunny for Easter this year) I found I could answer at least one of those questions. What do I want? Sure, a million bucks would be nice, but the answer is much simpler and more self-satisfying than that. I want to be happy. If I can go through the day being happy, I was certain other good things would follow. I was recently told that I have a positive energy about me and that stems from working daily to be a happy person, even when I don’t feel like I want to. It took a long time and a lot of practice, but I now try to look for the positive in the day and not the negative.
“Who Am I?”
This question was a tough one. It hadn’t been the best year for the real Carson. It was a little more than a year ago I had a major health crisis. I recovered slower than I wanted, but I did recover fully. Then major personal issues hit me in the face and I had to redefine who I was. And honestly, I wasn’t sure myself. Most people define themselves by their roles… profession, sibling, spouse, friend, the things they own… But I went deeper. And finally, the answer came to me. I am myself. I am unique to this world because there is no one else exactly like me. I have my own likes and dislikes, my own thoughts and fears, desires and dreams. These are the things that can never be taken away from me. The car, the house, the job, my favorite POP! Vinyl (Supergirl) are all just material objects that can be replaced. But no one can ever take away the internal things that define who I am.
“Why Am I Here?”
I know why I am here in the real world. I have a job that serves the community and our youth. I hope that the children I interact with on a daily basis will someday appreciate the effort I put into their lives each and every day. The question haunting me now is why am I here in Second Life? I’m not lonely, seeking friends from faraway places. I have a good circle of friends in my real life. I used to use SL as an escape, a way of not having to deal with some of the daily issues of real life. Yeah, I was broken. But that isn’t the case anymore. I could start a blog under my real name and write about whatever I chose to write about. What is the draw of this realm? While I don’t have all the answers yet, I do know this. I keep getting drawn back to the connections I’ve made. Some friends are long gone, some of whom I still talk with through text or email. Others, I just miss seeing their pixilated faces and learning about their day. It isn’t about the things that you can do here, It’s about the lives that you touch and are touched by on a daily basis.
Carson is wearing…
Mesh Body: ADAM -Mesh Body v2
Mesh Head: Catwa – Daniel v3.0
Head Applier: Labyrinth – Tylar
Beard Applier: Nivaro – Jawline
Eyes: IKON Triumph Eyes – Evening
Hair: ARGRACE – GAKU
Shirt: A&D Clothing – Vivian Coral – Men’s Only Hunt FREE /0L